stare fight & mosquitoes

been awhile since i last posted a personal message here. been posting pics and poems just so the blog wouldnt seem idle.clever huh?

anyhoo.there were a lot of things that happened since then.and most of them concerned work.just when my mind is on the verge of self-destructing itself again, I receive my TOR till june.and it tells me that i have 5 upcoming projects and 1 paper presentation in a conference.come one, come all!participate in a stare fight with me on march 13-15 during the national r&d conference here at philrice.i have a feeling id be on deep shit during those three agonizing days.gudlak sa aken.

pop culture has tagged v-day as a pathetic day for singletons and am happy that am not one of those who succumbed to it.woke up feeling like a zombie and when I was about to take a shower, saw a long stemmed rose neatly stuck on my door.sweet!aba, muntik ng nalaglag towel ko!e bold pa naman ako.harhar.when i arrived at the ofis saw another long stemmed rose placed on my desk.some sweet ofismates of mine gave out roses to each girl in the ofis.back at the dorm during dinner we came up with an outdoor bbq party while the movie click was being projected on a huge makeshift screen at the atrium/sampayan sa umaga.some mosquitoes did join us but were nevertheless ignored when an acoustic player began plucking his guitar.super saya!felt like a relocated mini-up fair na din.hehe.

down there by sandra cisneros

Yes,
I want to talk at length about Men-
struation. Or my period.
Or the rag as you so lovingly put it.
All right then.

I'd like to mention my rag time.

Gelatinous. Steamy
and lovely to the light to look at
like a good glass of burgundy. Suddenly
I'm artist each month.
The star inside this like a ruby.
Fascinating bits of sticky
I-don't-know-what stuff.
The afterbirth without the birth.
The gobs of a strawberry jam.
Membrane stretchy like
saliva in your hand.

It's important you feel it's slickness,
understand the the texture isn't bloody at all.
That you don't gush
between the legs. Rather,
it unravels itself like string
from some deep deep center--
like a Russain subatomic submarine,
or better, like a mad Karlov cackling
behind beakers and blooping spirals.
Still with me?

Oh I know, darling,
I'm indulging, but indulge
me if you please.
I find the subject charming.

In fact,
I'd like to dab my fingers
in my inkwell
and write a poem across the wall.
"A Poem of Womanhood"
Now wouldn't that be something?

Words writ in blood. But no,
not blood at all, I told you.
If blood is thicker than water, then
menstruation is thicker than brother-
hood. And the way

it metamorhposizes! Dazzles.
Changing daily
like starlight.
From the first
transparent drop of light
to the fifth day chocolate paste.

I haven't mentioned smell. Think
Persian rug.
But thicker. Think
cello.
But richer.
A sweet exotic stuff
from an ancient prehistoric center.
Dark, distinct,
and excellently
female.

--- From the collection, Loose Woman

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

valentine on a claire day

bestfrnd paksyet! (peyups.com)

May sikreto akong aaminin sa’yo…

Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam…
Itong isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…

Ayokong sirain kung anuman ang meron tayo. Matagal-tagal na rin kasi tayong magkaibigan noh!

Alam mo ba na nagulat ako nung araw na tinawag mo akong bestfriend? Leche. Sawang sawa na ako sa bestfriend bestfriend na yan! Huling beses na nagkaroon ako ng "bestfriend”, napahamak lang ang puso ko. Nasira pa ang isang pagkakaibigang itinatangi ko. Saka, heller! May bestfriend na kaya ako!

Di ko noon nakayang ipadama sayo…
Ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito…

Hindi ko naman kasi ineexpect na meron akong mararamdaman. Ika ko nga, i-deny hangga’t kaya. Feeling ko hindi pa ako handa. Feeling ko nalungkot lang ako, na kinailangan ko lang ng makakasama. Makulit ka kasi, jologs din. Mapang-asar pero malambing. Malay ko bang darating sa punto na ikaw ay isa sa mga iilang dahilang nagpapangiti sa akin at nagkukumpleto ng araw ko?

Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari…
Damdamin ko sayo’y hindi ko nasabi…

Humingi ako ng sign. Sabi ko dati hindi na ako naniniwala sa soulmates, sa fate at destiny eklavu na iyan pero hayun ako, eengot-engot na nagmakaawa sa kalangitang pagbigyan ako sa kahilingan ko. Tatlong beses akong humiling, tatlong beses rin ako sinagot.

At hanggang ngayon, naaalala pa…

I got what I asked for and guess what? Nasaktan ako.

Masakit kasi kahit papaano umasa na rin ako. Mahirap balewalain ang boses sa utak kong nagsasabing kalimutan ko na lang kung anuman itong nararamdaman ko kasi sobrang imposible na kaya mong suklian ito.

Pride? Siguro.

Nakanaman kasi. Bakit ang labo mo? Bakit ang dami mo nang sinabi pero hindi mo naman pinatunayan? Sobrang inconsistent mo. Sana ginalingan mo na din ang pagtiming para sana ayos lahat ngayon.

Bad trip talaga. Sawi talaga siguro ako.

Hay. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Muntik na kitang minahal…

[on investments]

i c relationships as investments. others can be labeled as "best buy," while there are cases of high risk wc Standard & Poor's or Moody's would not advise u 2 get involved wid. dey alwys start wid an IPO (getting public) wid lines dat go sumthin like "hi miss, i think we'v met before.." or "ok lang b i-text kita? bka kc mgalit bf mo eh!"

^damn pick up lines.^

*****

and so after generating interest frm d market, u start d selection process. the best of 7 series is guided by financial advisors also known as friends. hear this: "hmpf!d siya galante, d man lang nanlibre!" poor men. dey always hav to make libre to 10 frnds. starvation comes to him d following week after a date.

^tsk^

****

dis is it! "finally, siya na..=)" u make use of investment. free dinner. tga-bitbit ng cute pink bag hanggang sa men's CR. *yeicks!* tga-hatid sundo. u start to smile and say, "i made a gud investment.."

****

it dosnt end there though, because some investments turn out bad at some point. u think for the second time wondering whether to put ur investment back to the market. after much thought, u realize being single is much more desirable than practicing S&M wid ur partner.

****

most investments end wid post-break up concerns. "hija, lam mo bng plagi na lang late umuwi si *toot!* since u broke up?sna mgkabalikan na kyo.."

tita, its called the law of diminishing marginal utility.

lagare, cbanatuan city

launching of the farmers' training course in lagare, cabanatuan city. am with marco and erik.

summer weekend

just had a supeerr weekend!went wid mom for her highschool batch reunion.enjoyed the beach.ate a lot of shrimp salad.yey!

tatsulok

i was in my usual work-mode while tuning in to a pop radio station when suddenly.. bam! heard a familiar voice singing TATSULOK.i wanted to cry.i wanted to scream. i was excited. i was used to hearing it during rallies in coleg. it was like the song only existed in the consciousness of activists and the rest who are involved in the progressive movement. who could this singer be? when i googled it, i learned it was actually bamboo who revived the song and is included in their upcoming album.to the band: isang taas kamaong pagsaludo sa inyo!

this song made me pause and got me into thinking. three years after shouting my lungs out in the streets protesting against tuition fee hikes and erap's impeachment, what contributions did i make to improve the social condition?where have all the fire and passion gone?did i turn out to be just another apolitical yuppie in the jungle?what do i know now about tuition fee hikes in UP? what do i think about the subic rape case?have my opinions against GMA's administration changed?have i turned to be a sympathizer to Palparan's men?as i write this i can feel disorientation creeping through my consciousness.i am slowly realizing the bitter fact that i am slowly being dragged towards the center without any protest.

so thank you to this song for pulling me back.

listen to this
Totoy bilisan mo, bilisan mo ang takbo
Ilagan ang mga bombang nakatutok sa ulo mo
Totoy tumalon ka, dumapa kung kailangan
At baka tamaan pa ng mga balang ligaw

Totoy makinig ka, wag kang magpa-gabi
Baka mapagkamalan ka’t humandusay dyan sa tabi
Totoy alam mo ba kung ano ang puno’t dulo
Ng di matapos-tapos na kaguluhang ito

Hindi pula’t dilaw tunay na magkalaban
Ang kulay at tatak ay di syang dahilan
Hangga’t marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan
At ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman

Habang may tatsulok at sila ang nasa tuktok
Di matatapos itong gulo

At ang dating munting bukid, ngayo’y sementeryo
Totoy kumilos ka, baliktarin ang tatsulok
Tulad ng dukha, nailagay mo sa tuktok.

summer's here!

galit sa ip-op

ayoko sa ip-op

random thoughts

rhumba frap.weekends.4:41 am.xin.lychee juice drink.letting go.k608i.men with pms.coelho.shit happens.dorm.gender research.RFPs.chikka.dealing with a sucker.tan lines.lagare, cabanatuan city.laundry.travel reports.stale cofee.propellers in my face.gizoogle.user ids and passwords.difference between like and love.dreams.deadlines."im the gayest gay that ever gayed!im sooo gay i sweat glitter!"

out of order

my existence for this particular day has been unproductive.like i cud just vanish and it wudnt matter a bit.its like there are a gazillion things running through my mind and i cudnt just figure out how to put them in order.thats it! i am out of order.

and while i am trying sooo damn hard to concentrate on work, my fon beeps.
him: hey u.
me: yeah? toxic day at work.talk to u latr.
him: ok.toxic din d2 sa haus.
curious, i go: huh? y?
him: kainis yung katulong e!ingay ingay, i cudnt slip.tapos she doesnt iron my clothes!

anak ng kalabaw naman o! here i am feeling doomed with work and some creep is havn problems because someone refuses to iron his clothes? geddemit.

stare-fight wid the pc

my mind is on self-destruct mode at the moment.

breaking the rules!

JANTE LAW:

1. You shall not think that you are special.
2. You shall not think that you are of the same standing as us.
3. You shall not think that you are smarter than us.
4. Don't fancy yourself as being better than us.
5. You shall not think that you know more than us.
6. You shall not think that you are more important than us.
7. You shall not think that you are good at anything.
8. You shall not laugh at us.
9. You shall not think that anyone cares about you.
10. You shall not think that you can teach us anything.