de quiros again :)

Why Mike Arroyo is not Jesus Christ

HIS enemies want to kill him by making him appear in the Senate hearing in his fragile state, says Mike Arroyo. (Which makes his enemies out to be patriots in the eyes of the public, but that’s another story.) He says further that having been named in one scam after another doesn’t make him monumentally corrupt, it makes him monumentally persecuted. When his wife took on that tack, a congressman ventured to say that his wife was just like Jesus Christ. Without waiting for another congressman to say the same thing about him, I hasten to write this piece.

Mike Arroyo is not Jesus Christ because:

JC is the Second Person in the Holy Trinity. FG is the First Gentleman in the Unholy Couple. JC’s riches are not of this earth. FG’s riches are out of this world. When JC was born, a bright star shone in the sky, and the Three Wise Men followed it offering gold, frankincense and myrrh to the newborn. When FG was born—or so the rumor goes—the skies dimmed and the Three Wise Men wrapped their gold, frankincense and myrrh in sackcloth and hid it in a deep well.

JC told his disciples, “Leave all your possessions and follow me.” FG tells his countrymen, “Leave all your possessions.” Before JC began his public life, he went to the desert to fast, and there he was offered by the Devil all sorts of temptations, all of which he refused, rebuking the Tempter, “Be gone from me, accursed one.” Before FG began his public life, he went to the Nevada desert to live fast and there was offered by the Devil all sorts of temptations. I for one refuse to believe the canard that he replied, “Ain’t enough.” If Joey de Venecia is to be believed though, FG has his own version of “Be gone from me, accursed one,” which is, “Back off!”

When JC saw the temple invaded by all sorts of merchants and hustlers, he became furious and flailed at them, shouting, “My temple is a house of prayer, but you have made it into a den of thieves!” When FG saw Jun Lozada testifying at the Senate, he became furious and railed at him, shouting, “My temple is—feel free to supply what you think it is—but you have made it into a house of prayer!”

JC said “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God’s what is God’s.” FG says, “Give unto me what is mine and to Pidal what is Pidal’s.”

JC had by his side to comfort him Mary Magdalene, a woman who might or might not have been retired from the world’s oldest profession but who possessed a heart of gold. FG has by his side Miriam Santiago, a woman still actively engaged in the world’s oldest profession (lawmaking of course, what did you think?) and who possesses a heart that ticks violently like a Geiger counter when it senses gold.

When JC entered Jerusalem, the people lined his path waving palm fronds and shouting joyously, “Hosanna! Hosanna!” Before FG announced he wasn’t attending the hearing, people were lining up his path to the Senate, their shoes untied, preparing to throw them in his direction shouting, “Here’s your welcome kiss, you dog!” JC was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for 30 pieces of silver. FG is protected by Congress for more than 30 pieces of silver, taking into account inflation over the last two thousand and nine years.

When JC was arrested, his best apostle, Peter, denied him three times, saying “I do not know this man.” He was vastly sorry afterward and went on to become a martyr. When FG was accused, his best apostle, JPE, who denied Erap three times when he was arrested, recognized him three times, saying, “I know this man, he is the husband of the woman I once goaded the Erap crowd to sugod sugod” (repeat three times). JPE was never sorry afterward and went on to become richer.

When JC was brought before Pilate, Pilate washed his hands clean, telling the crowd, “You be the judge of this man.” Even before FG was brought before Miriam, Miriam washed her hands clean, telling the crowd, “This man is innocent.” When Pilate asked the Jews to choose whom to save, Barrabas, a known thief, and JC, an innocent man, the crowd chose Barrabas. If a judge ever asks the Filipinos to choose whom to save, Lozada, a penitent man, and FG, use your imagination, the Filipinos will choose, well, they’re not beyond being bought. For nailing down JC to the Cross, the Jews were condemned by heaven to wander the face of the earth. For refusing to nail down FG—and GMA, and before them FM and FVR and Erap—to the Cross, the Filipinos have condemned themselves to wander the face of the earth.

JC was crucified between two thieves. FG will be crucified between two honest men.

Breathing his last on the Cross, JC cried out loud, “Consummatum est, it is done.” Breathing his first outside the Senate, FG laughs out loud, “Ayos na, it is done.” JC died and was buried; on the third day, he rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. FG was taken ill and brought to St. Luke’s; on the third week, he rose from his bed, in which direction he went I leave the reader to divine. JC left the care of his truth to the epistlers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, making them the bedrock of revelation. FG leaves the care of his truth to Miriam, Joker and Juan, making them the fountainhead of obfuscation.

Though innocent, JC took upon himself all the world’s sins and thereby saved humankind from divine retribution. Proclaiming himself innocent, FG has put all the blame on the world, thereby saving his hide from worldly prosecution—for the time being.

JC was lean and mean, so to speak. FG is not very lean and, well, I leave the De Venecias, father and son, to speak the rest.